In My Mind

She's one sweet gal, strong, vibrant and she prays a lot. She has the biggest heart and no mean bone in her body. She shares to those who are in need. She helps in every way she can. I'm not saying this because she's my mom. I'm saying this because I have great respect for her and so the people who knew and love her.

She was a teacher by profession. Despite all the heartaches and hardships she encountered in her married life, she stood tall and never let it affect her, maybe that's what she wants to project in front of us, her children. She's our pillar when we felt weak, a light in the dark. Her touch is our balm when we're in pain. She taught us to seek for God's word when our spirit is down the pits.

She's not perfect. She's as human as you are. my mom has her share of temper and tantrums too. But I never hear her speak ill against anybody even if that person hurt her one way or the other.

I call her my angel in disguised,my superhero. I simply cannot imagine life without her.

All soul's day of 2003, while we were in the cemetery, she felt sick. My Grandma called a quack doctor and she " diagnosed " that the spirits of our dead relatives were visiting her. After the "luy -a luy - a treatment" my mom felt better and so we believed that the spirits visited her. See? she's all so human.

Valentine's day 2004, while attending my friend's wedding, my mom felt sick again, she was running a fever. We stayed for a while because she was a ninang and I, a maid of honor. While on the way home she's already chilling and doesn't look good. She's turning jaundiced. I told her that we proceed to the hospital. Several tests were done. Ultrasound, blood tests,etc. Ultrasound showed an impression of tb of the liver or amoebiasis of the liver. She respond well to the medications. But her attending physician urged her to seek a second opinion in Manila.ASAP!

We want to go to Manila so bad for that second opinion. Money was a problem. I know we were racing with time though unsure yet of the real illness that befall her. Mom's condition is far from okay. She losts pounds. You can feel her fear. I cried at night, praying to make her well. The thought of losing her is too much to bear. You see, I never see her sick until now. The urged to bring her to Manila's so great but can't do nothing about it, I was jobless then. Papa, loaned money from a relative so we could go to Manila.

Four months later, we were in Manila. The Doctor confirmed my mom's fear. She has a big C. Hepatocellular Carcinoma. And the doctor explained to us the methods of combating the disease. Sad to say, she doesn't qualify to any. That was a very devastating news. I was in denial, I want to shout. There's a lump in my throat. I was trembling. We, her children are young to be mother less, my youngest brother is only 18, ryan is 21 and I 28...it can't be! The irony of it was, my mom was very composed , as if it's nothing. Perhaps she doesn't want me to see her crumble. Later, she confessed, she was terrified.

The coming months would test my endurance and patience. I took care of her, feed and bathe her. Waking up several times at night for medications.There are times she badly wants to eat only to vomit it out minutes later.At times she doesn't want to take medicines reasoning out that it doesn't alleviate the pain at all.The painful part was seeing her in pain.I know it was VERY painful but she endured the agony in silence. At times I caught her crying. There are times I wished it was me instead of her who's suffering. With all this happening, in between, she diligently write her notes, a little memoir of her for us to remember her by. it is still with me, and I'll treasure them forever and share it with my brothers.I got closer with mom, I'm already close to her but her illness made us closer the more. She never stops dreaming and wishing to travel and see her future grandchildren especially with jaran and me. When with others, she put a facade of being alright. But with me, it was totally different, as time passes, I became the mother and she, the daughter.Her pain, my pain. I drew strength from her.

Budget was down the drain with expensive medicines, admission to hospital from time to time and with two college boys to send to school. There's a time we can't afford even a single medicine for her. It drives us crazy. Pa, sold my car. which is a graduation gift from him. We were highly in debt.Strangely, help came pouring in. Relatives abroad send monetary assistance.God is so good. He sends us angels in disguised. With all that's happening around we never questioned God. It is in this point that my mom returned to the Catholic fold. Thanks to the help of paping, a msgr. who's a family friend and the the Divine Mercy members who never get tired praying for her. You see, my mom was born and raised a catholic but sometime in her forties she was converted as an adventist.

We can feel that mom won't be with us that long. I should know, I'm with her round the clock. I can see her deteriorating. I just kept on praying that her pain be light and if God want her to go let her not suffer too much.

I was with mom when the time came. Even in deathbed she shows how much she loves us by holding on. I whispered to her, "go now, I know you're tired, don't be afraid Papa Jesus will be there to meet you. Don't worry about us we'll be okay. I love you". I think that's the signal she was waiting for. Minutes later, she was gone. She was 57 years old.

I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe, I want you to take a peek of who my mother was. Maybe,someday, someone who have the same plight as we have, would read this and can relate to the experience. Or maybe,I want to unload the feelings that have been here for too long in my heart. And maybe again,just want to share the feelings and the experience and to want to let u know you're not alone.

And to kids out there, no matter how old or young you may be, NEVER, ever take your mother for granted. Let her how how special she is to you. Say out loud how much you love her 'coz you'll never know when she'll be gone. Sometimes, it can be with a blink of an eye and leave us in oblivion.

Death, is not the ultimate end. It signify a new leash in life. To have a better appreciation of the things and persons that would enter our life. God, shows us how vulnerable we are. And only if we learn to trust Him and let him rule our life, everything will turn out right. Things happen for a reason. It's unwise to question Him. In His time He will reveal the answers one at a time.

Right now, I know, mama is happy wherever she is now. She's home.

And I felt light hearted. =)